Is this day jinxed? 10/27/2010

Hi All,

Hmm. I knew I'd be writing up a blog today, the one year anniversary of my diagnosis, but I thought it would be filled with musings, memories, and hopeful thoughts about my future. Well, I'll get to that, but first let me tell you about today's ER visit! (I think this day may be jinxed.)

I have been feeling not so hot the last few days. I've been super short of breath, my chest has been aching, and I've been way more tired than usual. Nick and I planned to call my doc today after cardiac rehab, but I didn't get a chance to do that.

I was tired today at rehab and had trouble breathing, but I made it through all my exercises. I started my cool down stretches, and within a few seconds, I felt like I was going to pass out. I sat down and talked with Dave, the rehab therapist. We just planned to wait it out and see how I felt in a few minutes. Then I got super dizzy, my head flopped over to the side and I told him I didn't feel right.

The nurse said my heart rate had just dropped to 40 beats per minute. That's the lowest I've ever been. A year ago, one of the reasons I was admitted to the hospital was because my heart rate was 140+. So the meds have done a great job, I just have to deal with the consequences now.

My heart rate dropped to 40 again, and that's when Dave and Cathy the nurse wheeled me right over to the ER. After lots of tests and 4 hours of monitoring, they released me. It seems my congestive heart failure is under control right now (excellent), and my labs looked good. The only snag is my heart rate is quite low. So I'm going to see my cardiologist in the next few days to decide what to do about that.

Really, this is a very good problem to have. It means my meds are doing a very good job of making my heart work as easily as possible. The negative is with my heart rate so low, I'll feel wimpier than ever. But, if my heart rate stays low, it may qualify me for Sparky 2.0, which could make me feel a whole lot better. : ) Sounds great to me! So we'll see, and I'll keep you posted. But I feel fine this evening, just going to catch up on some TV and curl up on the couch.

As for the one year anniversary of this whole thing- today it's not as overwhelming as it was earlier this week. Yeah, my whole life has changed (along with my dear husband's life, and my family and friends). But I do have hope about what is coming down the pike. This doesn't feel like such a death sentence, but just something I'll have to work around for a long time.

I was talking to my counselor this week about my feeling surrounding this milestone and they were pretty mixed.

I'm proud that I've made it through the weirdest year of my life.
I'm happy that Nick and I are just as in love and are stronger than we were a year ago.
I'm sad that our plans for kids have to be put off for the time being.
I'm surprised how fast it's gone.
I'm overwhelmed by the love and support my family and friends have shown me.
I'm mad that this disease forced me to make changes I didn't want to make (like quitting my job).
I'm tired of going to the doctor and hospital and knowing what they are talking about on the medical shows like Grey's Anatomy and House.
I'm in awe of the power of love that I've felt surrounding me again and again.
I'm grateful for all I've learned about myself this year (plenty of time for introspection does that to a girl).
And I'm excited to see what the next year will bring!

Through it all, you've all been just wonderful to me. I'm more grateful than I can say, and hope I can be as good of a friend to you as you've been to me. Thank you!! Every note, call, prayer, joke, gift, and hug has warmed my heart (: ) and made each day easier. You all are the bee's knees. : )

So that's all I've got for tonight. I've got a Rangers game to watch with Nick, so I'll have to let you go!

Adios!
Jana